I've written about a ton of things on this blog, but I've never talked about forgiveness. There's a reason for that. For a really long time, I've been well convinced that I am really bad at it. So me writing about forgiveness would be like a person who cannot carry a tune writing about how to score a solo in the choir. Or a person who eats donuts every day blogging about the keto diet.
Forgiveness is sketchy territory for me. It carries with it a ton of emotional baggage. But, in my journey with God, I find myself once again at the crossroads of anger, doubt and freedom, and, this time, things look different for me than they have before.
Forgiveness has been sketchy territory for me because it's not only been hard to practice, it's been hard to figure out. There are different schools of thought out there about forgiveness. For some people, forgiveness means not ever talking about what happened- just, "letting love cover over a multitude of sins." Others think that forgiveness means choosing to forget what happened. "Yes, it happened, but, love doesn't record wrongs, so, never ever mention it again." And others think that forgiveness equals reconciliation. You forgive me, therefore we are now totally okay. Still others will tell you that you can't forgive anyone until you forgive yourself. And then there's also the notion that forgiveness cuts my chains to the wrongs that have been done to me, thereby releasing me and giving me freedom.
My counselor in Austin taught me the difference between forgiveness, reunion and reconciliation. Forgiveness, he said, is a command. If we want to be obedient to Christ, it's something we're obligated to do. Reunion, on the other hand, is a choice. It's what a lot of us do when things are weird with someone we used to share fellowship with, but we still get together with them every now and again anyway. We can be with them, for the sake of keeping the peace, or for the kids or for any number of pure or impure reasons. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is the sweet stuff. It's what happens when all of the cards are laid out on the table, and everyone involved in the hurtful situation picks theirs up and says, "This one is mine. I am so sorry. Forgive me, and I will ask God to help me change."
I've been in on reunion and reconciliation before. Reconciliation feels fantastic. And, ironically, some of my sweetest relationships have developed with people that I've been reconciled to. I could write a blog about reconciliation. I can tell you about a hug I had in a school hallway that melted away months of mounting misunderstanding, or a conversation that I had in an office that brought unity and power, or the phone conversation I had when I finally felt seen and loved. Those are good stories. And each occasion involved forgiveness. But it was the kind of forgiveness where you could kind of sniff the mercy as it was on its way. Where there was a "humility tell" in the other person that let me know that they were starting to see all the cards, and their hands were twitching to pick up some of them. That's JV forgiveness. It's still sweet and great, and I wish it for you and yours. But sometimes it's not that easy.
I can make the JV forgiveness team, but Varsity? I sometimes feel like I got cut from that roster. Part of the reason I feel that way is because I've been told that. I have been told that I am unforgiving. And, like so many things in life, there have been times that I have lived into the identity that was given to me.
This past Sunday, my pastor talked about Stephen being stoned. He mentioned the many parallels between Stephen's death and Jesus's death, which I had never paid attention to before. Both men were killed by angry mobs of religious men who were enraged at the prospect that Jesus Christ could ever be considered the Son of God. And both men used their dying breaths to ask for forgiveness for the very people whose hatred robbed them of their lives. That's Varsity level forgiveness. When the person or people whom you are forgiving are so convinced that they are right and you are wrong that they actually feel super holy about the thing they're doing that is killing you.
One of the reasons I'm able to write about this today is that over the past year, my view of myself has shifted. One of the outcomes of that shift is I now realize that, no matter what has been said about me, I've never been cut from that Varsity forgiveness roster. My counselor was right. Forgiveness is a command. And because I am 100%, by grace through faith, Team Son of God- I am called to be like Jesus and Stephen and forgive, even if humility and mercy are nowhere to be seen.
Maybe one of the reasons I've been so bad at this is because I have a history of being a pretty terrible team player. I remember well when I was a kid playing sports that if my team lost, but I played a good game, I didn't feel bummed out. Likewise, when my team won, if I didn't play well, or I felt like I got slighted on playing time, I was secretly and selfishly disappointed. As I watched the US Women's soccer team win the World Cup this summer, I thought about the old me. The one who would secretly sulk on the bench instead of cheering for my teammates from my heart. From what I could tell, none of the players on the US Women's team have that problem. When they won, every player rushed the field in what appeared to be genuine, selfless joy.
I think that's what has been missing from my forgiveness. The identity that I am on this team. And grace is what we do. For me, that's what it means to forgive as Jesus forgives. It means to be so excited with being picked for his team, that I rush the field with self-denying grace because he has demonstrated it perfectly time and time and time again. I can see my own situation as just an opportunity to display who's team I'm on, rather than sulking about all that is messed up in my situation. It's interesting to think about the final match of the World Cup. It was a good game against a skilled opponent, which made the victory sweeter. When I feel sorry for myself because Jesus has asked me to forgive in uncertain and difficult circumstances, I am not remembering that the tougher the opponent, the sweeter the victory.
There are a lot of things that I have doubted over the past few years- basically everything. And, probably, doubt will come again. And along with it (God willing), the strength to endure. But, one thing seems to have finally crystallized out of all of that doubt and pain and spiritual suffering. Grace wins. Not behavior modification. Not morality. Not religion. Not secularism. Not conservatism. Not Democracy. Not anger. Not judgement. Not pride. Grace. The same grace that has come to find me in my darkest hours, in the places so shameful I barely want to remember them. That same grace is what will win. And Jesus Christ is calling me to be on his team. To play again and again and again at grace. Sometimes, I'll do well. Other times, I'll fail. But what matters most is that I always remember that I'm on this team of Forgiven People who are moving grace forward into this world- a world that hates it and rejects it or tries to earn it or treats you like garbage or like your simple and stupid for offering it. It's certainly not easy. And there are still things that I am not certain about, but I'm excited to no longer feel like I don't belong on this team. Not because I've suddenly gotten good at it, but because the Person I belong to is, and he's calling me to come and play.
