My brother and I were born eleven months, twenty days apart. (My poor mom) Such closeness in age doesn't always transition into closeness in life. But, for me, it did. And I can't express the gratitude I feel for that.
Growing up, my brother and I never tattled on one another. This does not mean that we were good and fair to one another. It's just that we dealt with those situations "in-house," - with a fist to the stomach or a proper shouting match. The disloyalty of tattling literally never crossed our minds.
I never liked being separated from my brother. One of my earliest childhood memories comes from a nursery class where I was separated from Grant (I think he might have been 3, and I was 2?) I can remember the feeling of being left "alone" in this class while my mom attended Bible study. I remember throwing a right good fit over it, not because I missed my mom, but because I was in a strange place without my brother. When I was in middle school, I tried public school and Grant went to private school. It lasted half a year. There were other circumstances at hand that led to me switching schools, but I remember the tremendous relief I felt when I started going to school with my brother again. Then again, with college, I went on college tour and played with the idea of going anywhere for a minute, but really...my brother was at Wake, and I wanted to be there too.
It's odd to write about those times where I followed my brother because I can't say that I particularly liked him during some of those years. He certainly wasn't nice to me all, or even most of the time. My brother's personality is so different from mine...more difficult. If we were house pets, I'd be the golden retriever, and he would be the cat.
Being together with my brother was such a natural part of my childhood. The need for his company wasn't something I was consciously aware of. I just knew, when it was lacking, I needed to remedy that. But as childhood gave way to young adulthood, that need waned. I had other interests, other friends. My life was ever-evolving, for the worst and then for the better. The tides of grace took me farther away from my sibling than I had ever been before. It seemed that would be the way forward, but it wasn't.
I don't have a sister, but what I've witnessed of sisters is something very different from what I have with my brother. I'm sure it's very nice to have another woman to share life with when you're older, but navigating the seas of sisterhood takes greater delicacy. Brothers (mine, at least) are blunt, and that makes things easier. My brother and I can scream at one another at the top of our lungs one minute and the next minute share a joke that makes us both laugh out loud. There aren't hurt feelings or residual bitterness with a brother. Something happens and then it's over and he moves on and you move on. I was used to that bluntness with Grant, when it came to him expressing his displeasure about something. What I was not used to, however, was how he used that same matter-of-fact way when he approached me a few weeks before my wedding. I remember he said, "We are getting older. I would like us to be friends." And we have been cultivating our adult friendship ever since. There was no better wedding present.
Because my brother is more difficult than me, you could assume that he doesn't need people like I do, doesn't enjoy them, doesn't want to maintain relationships. But that's not true. The house cat doesn't wag his tail at everyone like the golden retriever does, but, in a way, that adds value to his friendship because it is something you have to earn. My brother maintains relationships uniquely. They are important to him. He goes about it in a less overt way than some people might want or expect, and he does so in his own timing and that could be off-putting, but he goes about it, and that's what really matters.
Today, Andy and I are going to meet Grant for the Wake vs. State football game. I'll stand in the cold and let my brother tease me about being a State grad. I won't take offense, but I won't fire back. We won't part with a huge hug... just a "see you on Thursday" but in reality we will have both spent the evening with a great friend.
People say that blood runs thicker than water. We can put a lot of expectations on family ties to keep us bound to one another. But simply being related is not enough. If it was, families wouldn't fall apart. It's true that I love my brother in a different way than I love my friends- a deeper, more forgiving, ridiculously long-suffering way. But to really love and be loved by your sibling, as both friend and family, requires God's vision to see that person as God's handiwork. Sometimes when we see someone as a family member first, we're tempted to see them in light of our own expectations. Their loyalty or disloyalty to us or the family makes or breaks the relationship. Such things are too heavy for anyone to bear. When God gives us eyes to see a brother or sister as a person in need of grace, a new world opens up for them and for us. A challenging, sweet, wonderful world. Siblings are given their pasts, but have to choose to go with one another into the future. Today, I'm grateful that my brother chose to go with me. I wouldn't have it any other way.
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