My friend Angela sent me this Relevant magazine article this morning, and it resonated with me. It feels similar to the experience I've been having with anxiety disorder. It also sounds similar to some of the encouraging stories that have been shared with me by others who are suffering from anxiety and depression.
I think the central question here is- can you be an anxious Christian? I want to talk a little bit about that question.
I think that any adjective could be inserted in front of the word Christian, and a similar question could be asked. Can I be a depressed Christian? A gay Christian? An angry Christian? A selfish Christian? A prideful Christian? An insecure Christian? An ungrateful Christian?
First, I have to think about the word Christian before I can address any of these other words. What is a Christian? For me, a Christian is anyone who fits this description in Romans 10:9 "If you declare with your mouth "Jesus is Lord" and believe in your heart that God raised Him from the dead, you will be saved." I think a Christian is a "saved" person- a person who believes that God's grace alone has saved them from the wrath of God. And the Bible is clear that absolutely anyone can qualify for that grace. It has nothing to do with our actions- Romans 4: 5 "To the one who does not work but trusts God who justifies the ungodly, their faith is credited as righteousness."
So, anyone, and I do mean anyone, can be a Christian. That is not to say that I think that everyone is a Christian. Some people think that everyone is saved. That's an interesting theology, but not one that I personally agree with. If I believe the Bible, and the Bible says that the qualifying acts for salvation are belief in my heart and confession of my lips, then I'm not going to believe that everyone is saved. Not everyone believes in Jesus in their heart. So I don't think everyone is saved. Some people choose to reject Him. Even people who were raised in "Christian" cultures.
But what about all these other words? I can't answer all of those questions, but I can share what I'm learning about being an anxious Christian?
Can I be an anxious Christian? Absolutely. Yes. Being anxious does not make me less of a Christian. It isn't something that I need to be ashamed of. Because it is a part of my Gospel story, and, like Paul, "I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation." (Romans 1: 16)
What is anxiety, anyway? There's a complicated question, and one that I can only answer by sharing from my experience because I am not a doctor, nor have I studied this disorder in great depth. But, for me, anxiety is a collection of nervous symptoms that I have learned are all associated with excess adrenaline and cortisol stress hormones. I've felt a lot of different things in this time that I've had anxiety, but the main ones that I suffer from are- chest pain (yes, I've been fully checked out and my heart is 100% fine), dizziness, invasive thoughts and the sensation of unreality.
When I first began to experience anxiety, people would ask me, "What are you worried about?" Well-meaning friends often ask this question and encourage anxiety sufferers to pray more or seek help from a Christian counselor, which is really good advice, but may or may not be what that person needs. Some people have been praying on their "hands and knees" as the Relevant magazine article clarifies, and some have been in counseling for years. Both of those truths applied to me when I first began to experience anxiety. To me, counseling and prayer are always a good idea, but they might not eliminate nervous suffering.
"What am I worried about?" At first, I had no idea. Because on the surface, I thought things were fine in my life. I wasn't consciously worried about anything. But over these months of nervous suffering, God has let me explore the deepest parts of myself- places where unbelief and unforgiveness and ungratefulness have been flourishing. This has been a hard and humbling journey. And, along the way, as I've uncovered places that needed to be transformed by God's grace, I have been sort of shocked and ashamed. But, I'm choosing to reject the shame. I don't need to be ashamed of something that God says is common of all humanity- I am a sinner. I need God's grace. I need His help. That's part of my belief and confession. It's also a part of my healing. I also don't need to be ashamed of something that glorifies my Savior. And, let me be clear- I do need saving. I do need healing. Every hour, I need Thee.
But anxiety disorder can't just be boiled down to mental stress or unconfessed sin. For some, anxious suffering might not have anything to do with the heart or mind (though, we're integrated beings, so it's hard to separate those things out, but emotional or spiritual issues might not be the primary problems) Most of the time, I see anxiety classified as a mental illness, but the book my doctor recommended to me- Dare, by Barry McDonough- says that's not really the case. The symptoms of anxiety (panic attacks, troubled breathing, insomnia, muscle pain and fatigue, invasive thoughts, unreality, etc.) are actually caused by adrenaline. Essentially, chronic anxiety is a prolonged and habitual fight or flight response. Not many people talk about these physical aspects of anxiety. Usually, people go straight for the mental, emotional or spiritual issues at hand. But, even when those are being dealt with, the physical sensations (which can be frightening and horrifically painful) can remain. In fact, anxiety is often triggered by physical suffering, and I believe this was the case for me. The first panic attack I had was in the hospital after delivering Grey. My body had struggled so much with that delivery, and I was exhausted and in pain. This isn't uncommon. Apparently, many people first experience anxiety and panic attacks after operations or accidents, or when they are chronically exhausted or not eating or drinking well. My anxiety returned at a time when I wasn't sleeping because of Grey's troubled sleep. (In truth, I hadn't slept more than a few consecutive hours in more than a year) When we think about anxious suffering in this light, it seems almost silly to ask the question, "Can I be an anxious Christian?" It would be like asking, "Can I be a Christian with cancer? Or migraines? Or arthritis?"
Of course, anxiety is more nuanced than migraines or arthritis because the mind does play a significant role in the progression of the disorder. What I think about anxiety, and what I think about myself and about God and about other people, will absolutely affect whether or not I heal from this disorder, which is not necessarily the case with those other sicknesses. But, anxiety is definitely a physical problem, and should be treated as such, both by anxious sufferers and those who are close to them.
So, can I be an anxious Christian? Does having anxiety disqualify me in any way from bearing witness to Christ? Or becoming like Him? My take- No. Absolutely not. I'm beginning to see anxiety as one of the cracks in my life through which the Light shines in. Anxiety helped me get at some of the sins beneath my conscious thoughts. Anxiety drives me to God, who heals all my diseases (Psalm 103: 3) And, best of all, anxiety is helping me throw off the need for you (or anyone) to see me in any particular light. I want other people to see me in a good light. I want a good reputation, and to be seen and thought of well. I have held out the cup of approval so many times like little Oliver Twist, "Please, God, can I have some more?" And, I could not get over it when He said, "No." Rather than fill that cup with the elixir of other people's approval, which doesn't actually satisfy my soul, He's allowed it to stay empty. I'm finally learning to put that cup down. And I'm looking for a new one to pick up and bring to Him. There's tremendous freedom in that. Freedom from the anxiety of what other people think about me. Wow. I'm not "there" yet, but I'm journeying on... step by anxious step.
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