If I'm honest, I have mixed feelings about the Christmas season. There's a lot to love. Time with friends. Family in town. Christmas cards in the mailbox. The smell of Frasier fir, the sound of familiar songs, the anticipation of gift-giving, the joyful cries of my children from the backseat as we drive through streets, normally dark, but, for these few weeks, brightly lit.
But, there's a lot of pressure too. I'd like to be one of those people who just throws off everything and settles into a peaceful, simple expression of wonder. I tried this year. I think I might have done a little "better" than years past. But, honestly, goal not achieved. Maybe one day.
Truthfully, there's a lot of pressure that I feel this time of year- to feel great- happy, joyful, merry. Everywhere you turn, that message is kind of in your face- written on billboards and throw pillows and t-shirts. It's in every song and movie plot. Every magazine cover is artfully, skillfully, painstakingly designed to show a Christmas that is all homemade cookies and glitter and smiles.
Don't get me wrong, I do feel merry, but over the past few days, I've reflected more and more on how merriment, for the sake of merriment, does not last. Heartache doesn't fade away, loneliness doesn't take a holiday, depression and anxiety don't hibernate during December. In fact, for many people, there can be a heightening of these sensations because of that pressure- the cultural and interpersonal pressure to feel good because that's what everything is screaming at you this time of year. You can really start to feel like something is really wrong with you if you are struggling.
Full disclosure- my anxiety symptoms have resurfaced this week. Just after I posted last week about how good I have been feeling. I'm trying not to freak out about it. I've read so much about needing to be patient with myself as I heal. But I do feel disappointed. Just when I was starting to feel so good. But, as I started to feel good, I noticed a change. As the tide of merry-making came in, my deep, personal longing to connect with God went out. Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it, prone to leave the God I love... to craft my to-do list, to wrap presents, or make a dessert, or try to tame the chaos of my house after my three year old and one year old take a couple of laps around.
Anxiety is a faithful companion in this way- it is faithful to bring me to my prayer journal and Bible, to God, my Refuge. Merriness does not do such a good job of pointing me in this direction.
Magazines and blog posts are filled with helpful tips to make this the best Christmas ever. Here's mine. Stop trying to have a Merry Christmas. Christmas will come, and the best gift that you can give yourself, others and God Himself, is the gift of your honest, focused presence. Maybe you do feel merry. Maybe you don't. Maybe you, like me and others that I hold dear, find yourself feeling sad, lonely, depressed or anxious- this holiday season. That's okay. For this, Christ came.
We sing "All is bright" this time of year. But, we've gotten so focused on how we can make things bright, that we have neglected to meditate on our deep need, our inner longing for true Light. The brightness doesn't come from us, or anything we create. It's given- the original Christmas gift. And, oh, how it shines in hearts that are dark from fear, anxiety, grief, regret. How it's needed in hearts that are longing for relief, change and hope.
You don't have to create or feign merriness to fully receive the gift and true meaning of Christmas. One of the most excellent things I've learned in this season is that I don't have to feel good to fully receive God's blessings with gratitude. I can be grateful while I'm still in pain.
Friends, if you are in pain this holiday season, I pray that it might pass. But I also pray that you and I will only fight the darkness by looking for the Light. Let's not get caught out by trying to manufacture what is artificial. It puts our focus, not on God, but on ourselves, and besides, it only lasts a moment. May the light of Jesus Christ shine brightly in your hearts and homes this Christmas season.
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