Saturday, May 19, 2012
This school year has been very full. Three new preps, essentialy. I've made dozens of powerpoints, graded hundreds of papers, and received my fair share of stressful parent emails. Since spring break, I've been almost obsessed with the thought of summer. I've thought about places I'd like to travel, and dreamed about reading by the pool or getting up for coffee and breakfast, just to snuggle back into bed with Gatsby & Daisy for the rest of the morning. But these past couple of weeks, as things have actually begun to wind down somewhat- I've been more focused on real rest. I feel like I've run a long race, and haven't stopped for water and fuel often enough. I have been so driven by my task list this year- so determined to do a good job and avoid criticism, that I have treated my relationship with God (not to mention my relationships with other people) as an afterthought, and I'm grieved by this- and completely exhausted. There've been so many mornings when I've risen in the early hours, spent a few minutes in God's Word, trying to get my BSF lesson done, and then quickly dived into a stack of papers to grade or a powerpoint that I needed to make for that day's lesson. Then even those few minutes faded, and it was straight into the work- hours and hours of work, with little thought of God.
I was saying to Andy last night, that here at the end, I find myself with a USB drive full of achievements, and an empty heart. I miss the fullness of God's love, and that's really what I'm looking forward to the most this summer- spending time getting re-acclimated to the love that God has promised to always have for me. At the same time, I'm humbled by how much I don't deserve it- because I've consciously chosen to put my desire to "do" and "perform" above my desire to know and serve and remain devoted to Him this year. I lay that burden down at the cross and claim the grace I will never deserve.
Two more weeks at school remain. There will still be some grades and some tests and some ceremonies to go, but I am trying to draw closer to the Lord each day, and maybe by the time the summer gets here, I'll be familiar with Him again, and that truly is something to be excited about.