Snapshot #4- At The Well

When I got really sick a month ago, I decided to say yes to whatever would lead to my healing. One of those yeses was talking to Andy's counselor.

After we got married, our situation got really confusing. Things came out that Andy and I could never have expected. People responded in ways that were dumbfounding. It was a great big mess. Andy and I tried to find some professional help to work things out. We offered that help, but it was shot down.

So we took a step back and life moved on. We worked and loved on students and played soccer and made friends. We studied and led at BSF. We joined our church. We had highs. We had lows.

Then, Story was born. And we tried again to make things real. To make things better. But it was hard. Some of Andy's old wounds were making it even harder for him. Andy isn't like me. He doesn't talk about his hurts until they are threadbare. He's more likely to pack them into a small, tight space and pour some Bourbon on top.

I love Andy. He is one of my safest people. He holds all of my crazy so gently and rightly in his giant, soft heart. He is endlessly patient and encouraging. The very least that I could do for someone who takes care of me like that was point him to someone qualified to help debride the wounds. So I said, I don't care what it costs, I want you to get the help you need. That's exactly what he did. He got several months of sound, Biblical counsel from a trusted Christian therapist. That help transformed the way that Andy thinks and communicates. His voice got louder (a good thing!) and mine got softer (a very good thing!). We learned to listen and speak and wait. It was really beautiful. I went to therapy once with Andy, just to be "in" on some of the things that he was learning there, to be a part of the story, but those months were mostly his journey. I was cheering him on from the sidelines and reaping the benefits of his healing.

After Grey was born, we tried again. Because mercy compels us, and justice drives us. Because Jesus is a Lover, a Forgiver, a Healer. But it went worse than ever. And the stress made me sick. So, I knew it was my turn to get the help. One of the things that I was instructed to do by our counselor was to research some behaviors that he has witnessed in this situation over the course of time. Even with all of my over-thinking, I had never researched the pathology behind some of the things I've experienced. So I've made a study of what he told me to look into over the past couple of weeks. It's been an eye-opening and, at times, frightening and discouraging experience.

In John, I'm still at the well with Jesus and the Samaritan woman. This has been a fitting place as I've looked into these patterns of behavior. The more I've learned, the more I've come to understand about what we've been through these past years. The shoe fits. But it's a shoe nobody wants to have to put on. Looking into this situation has been a lot like looking into a deep well. I don't even know exactly what's down there. Trauma. Abuse. Behavior patterns to shroud shame. Manifestations of those behaviors that abide by no rules, heed no boundaries, that cause harm to my beloved... and to me. It's subtle. But it's real. It's what I've seen. It's what others, more qualified than I, see. The well is deep.

The Samaritan woman tells Jesus that Jacob's well is deep, and He doesn't even have anything to draw with. Jesus' response brings her from that tactile reality to a spiritual one. Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. 

As I've studied this week, I learned about some of my own unhealthy behavior. I discovered that, though I have learned how to set boundaries externally- I am uncomfortable with that. No, we cannot make it to that event. Please don't use that word again. Please don't send me those kinds of emails. We are not okay in our relationship- please take responsibility for your part so that we can be okay- on the inside, I have almost none. I might be able to say these things to other people. But, once said, I am filled with doubt. I worry about the boundary that I tried to set, especially when people get mad at me for setting them or just pretend like I didn't say anything at all. Then, I try ceaselessly to "fix" these problems in my mind. It never works. This is the well that I keep trying to drink from. It makes me thirstier and thirstier every time.

Jesus says to the Samaritan woman- Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life. I am at the well with Jesus. The well is deep, much deeper and darker than I could have imagined. But Jesus is here. Jesus is calling.

Jesus has taught me two things here at the well. First, that I must stop drinking here. I must understand that the well really is too deep for me. These waters have done enough damage to my heart and soul. It's time to trust Him, take his hand, and walk away. Second, that it is not too deep for Him. He has gone into greater depths. Because of His great love, He goes deeper still.

Jesus, precious, beautiful, powerful Jesus- go. Go into that well. Heal and purify those waters. 

And Jesus, steadfast, faithful Jesus- stay. Stay with me here. Walk by my side as I turn away from this well. Give me the living water that will sustain me for the rest of my journey.