Last week, I turned 29. I know that somewhere out there, there are women who aren't even half as close as I am to 30, and they can hardly sleep at night because they already hear the "tick-tock" of their biological clock so loudly. Mine, for whatever reason, seems to be silent. Either that, or I am completely deaf.
Almost everyone I know has a baby, or is in some way getting ready for one. And almost every time I'm around babies, I'm uncomfortable. Not one on one, but like when they are all together. I realize that I might catch some flack for saying this, but oh well. Mommy bloggers get to blog about spit-up and I'm going to blog about this.
It's not that I don't like babies. It's that I feel completely disconnected with the entire world of motherhood. I have a lot of guilt about that. If it's someone I know outside of the context of motherhood, say like friends from work or women I know from BSF or play soccer with, this is not an issue. But if you're a mom, and I'm not a mom and there's nothing else I know about you, chances are you think that I have some sort of mental and/or social deficiency, which, let's face it, I probably do- because when I get into an environment that's all mommies and babies, I just freeze and I'm pretty sure my lips go numb.
But like I was saying- the guilt. I feel like I'm basically a huge disappointment to God and everyone because I'm like this. I think about it a lot. I wonder what's wrong with me. I pray about it. I talk to Andy about it. And now, you know it's legit, because I'm blogging about it. I don't want to be unfriendly. I just literally do not know what to do. When the conversation turns to breastmilk, I want to cross my arms over my chest and run into the bathroom. When someone's kid does something momentous, I'm usually like, "oh, he couldn't do that already?" Again, I don't mean to be rude, I just. don't. get. it.
But I do get microscopes. In fact, I'm teaching microscopy to my kid-o's this week. If you've ever spent much time playing with a light microscope, you've maybe had trouble bringing things into focus with the objective lenses (the silver things that rotate- there are usually three or four of them). It dawned on me this morning, that when your objective lens is focused on lower power, that's all you see, and you see it really clearly. When you rotate to a different power, you focus that image, and that's all you see. There's no way to be focused on more than one power at a time with one light microscope- at least not the ones that I've seen.
I don't focus on babies. They are a blur to me. But I realized this morning, that how mommies are about babies, so I am with my students. I spend hours focusing on how I can get them to learn something. When I see them do something new that they enjoy, it can literally bring tears to my eyes. I feel a burden for them- to teach them the truth about God and the world they live in. I am thrilled when they accomplish things- like A's and touchdowns and college acceptances. I'm amazed at them and with them when they discover something new. I'd get up and spend all day teaching high school students even if no one paid me money to do it. They are my joy.
I'm going to ask God if this is okay. I mean, in His eyes, maybe teenagers and babies are all sort of the same thing. They do have a lot in common. They giggle, they complain a lot, they're utterly selfish, they're melodramatic and very needy. Maybe God knew that someone out there would need to be focused on those little ones, even when the clock ticks away. I'm hoping this is the case. Because though I've prayed and tried, I can't seem to get comfortable in the mommyhood, but I have a new student visiting my Biology class today, and I can't even tell you how excited that makes me.
I know that a lot of moms out there might read this and say, "wait til she has her own." And that might be the case. Hopefully so. Until then, though, I guess I'll just enjoy my students, and ignore the silent clock that's supposed to be screaming by now.