For you were bought with a price. So glorify God with your body. 1 Corinthians 6:20
Last Saturday, I woke up to a bright day and got my family in the car to go to Sunset Beach for the day. Today, I woke up and had to mentally scan my body before I could even move. The tips of my fingers are still a little numb. The pain in my chest has subsided and my breathing seems pretty normal. My muscles feel sore- like I've started intense exercise training, when, in fact, the most strenuous thing that I did yesterday was fold a basket of laundry. That brightness and energy from a week ago seem so out of my grasp.
I usually meet my day feeling strong and courageous. I love to make plans with my family and my friends. My life is filled with simple joys and attainable goals. But for almost a week now, I have awoken every day with uncertainty. I don't know how I will feel- what my body and mind will allow. Even the most menial tasks can seem difficult and overwhelming. It takes all of my energy and focus to feed my children. Sometimes I can't even manage to eat something myself. My appetite is gone. My energy evaporated.
I don't really know what is going on with me. All I know is that I was full of energy last Saturday and then, out of nowhere, on Sunday afternoon, a fatigue suddenly came upon me. We were riding in the car and I couldn't keep my eyes open. That initial "can't keep my eyelids open" sensation was followed by anxiety symptoms that have waxed and waned over the past week.
I suffered a severe bout of post-partum anxiety just days after I had Grey. I felt so claustrophobic my last day in the hospital that I paced the room. My blood pressure shot up so much that it was HIGHER the day of discharge than when I was in labor! That time was so difficult for my family. We had to hunker down at my mom's house for a week because I couldn't get out from under the cloud of anxiety. I couldn't sleep. Couldn't eat. My heart pounded and my muscles ached and I couldn't catch my breath. I have felt all of those things this past week- sometimes for hours on end. But, what's made it more troubling for me is that I do not have any idea why. After I had Grey, I thought, "Okay, this is terrible, but I just had a baby. My body is all out of whack, but it will recover." This time, I don't know the cause.
When you tell someone- even a medical professional- that you're suffering from anxiety, their usual response is to ask you- "What is troubling you?" This makes a lot of sense because I think that a lot of people (myself included) experience anxiety about something. Stress at work, worrying about bills, trouble with family. I've gone through that kind of anxiety before and it does manifest itself in physical problems. I think that's the kind of anxiety I experienced back in February, when I felt really worn out, troubled, sad and, yes, anxious... about my life, my work, and my emotional pain. But that is very different from what I've felt this week. This experience is more like what it feels like to suddenly come down with the flu- it comes from out of nowhere and you know that something is terribly wrong with your body, but you cannot stop it from ravaging every muscle and nerve.
Anxiety cycles in a positive feedback loop, which is one of the things that makes it so terrible. My anxiety started as something purely physical- heart palpitations, shaking hands, troubled breathing- but then it became something mental as fear began to creep along the very pathways the biological symptoms were bulldozing through my body. "What if I always feel like this? What if I can't catch my breath? What if I have a heart attack? What if I'm never able to take care of my children by myself again?" Sometimes these thoughts make the physical symptoms even worse, and other times they send me into a depressed state.
I hate feeling this way. I want to get better and I'm continuing to seek help from medical professionals until things return to normal. When things get really hard, I cry out in prayer. I send desperate text messages to my praying friends- I know that they will lift me up to God. In this week of suffering, I have clung to some truths that have refreshed my soul, even as my body has completely failed.
God will not leave me. One of the scariest things for me this week has been being alone. It's totally crazy because being around people heightens my anxiety, but then being alone makes it even worse. Anxiety doesn't really make sense. But, in the few times that I have been alone, I have been able to just breath and believe that God is with me. That He will not leave. That even if my heart stopped or I could not catch my breath, He would, somehow be there. My friend Rebecca sent me the picture that you see at the top of the post. This image says everything.
My prayers are being listened to. I have never been so desperate and dependent on prayer as I have been this past week and in the week after I had Grey. I've never had to fall to the floor in prayer because I cannot stand (or stand it) anymore. I've sent so many desperate "please pray!" text to my family and friends this week. My prayers have changed as the week has continued. At first they were always- "God, please take this away!" I'm still praying that, and if you want to pray for me- please pray that too!!! But I've seen a shift in my prayers as I've anchored into the truth that God is in control and that He loves me and will not abandon me. Now, I pray for specific things- "God, please take the tightness in my chest away. Please let me sleep. God, please help me love Andy and the kids. God, your will be done." He answers. My favorite moment of his faithfulness to answer me came on Thursday night, which was the worst night I've had. I couldn't sleep, and the chest pain and troubled breathing were extremely difficult to endure. In the middle of the night, I was reading the book of Mark and came across the passage where Jesus is in the boat with his disciples and a storm comes up. Jesus is asleep, but everyone else is like, "We're going to die!" They wake Jesus up and ask him- "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" Jesus speaks to the storm and says, "Quiet! Be still!" I read that passage on Thursday night and asked Jesus to do the same for me. Within a few minutes, I was asleep, my fingers still stretched out onto the passage in Mark 4.
One Body, many parts. The Body of Christ is an amazing and mysterious thing. I know that the Bible tells me that I'm being made into the image of Christ. But I'm also a part of a bigger Body- one that is composed of people with different gifts. As my physical body has failed, I have depended on the Body of Christ to hold me and help me. Andy is part of that Body. My mom is part of that Body. My friends are part of that Body. Whether it's lifting me up in prayer or folding laundry or playing with my children, I have depended on this Body this week. My friend Leslie reminded me that it is God's design for this Body to work in this way. I don't want to have to put these members in this position, but, ultimately, it is what God calls them to- to do His will and His work and to show Himself to the world through them- through my brokenness and their strength. For this is the message of the Gospel- our brokenness, His strength. Thank you to those members of our Body who have lived out that Gospel with me this week.
Give God glory. The main lesson I'm learning this week, and the reason that I am writing now, is to glorify God. I listened to this John Piper meditation on Friday about the reason that you have a body. (I'm attaching the link at the bottom of the post) It made me weep. My body is broken right now. Something is so wrong with it and it affects my mind and my heart and every muscle and nerve. It hurts to be like this. It's easy to think that there is no purpose in a broken mind and a broken body. It can hardly function at times, curling up underneath a blanket in agony has been my only recourse on a few occasions. I long to glorify God in a healthy body- one that can get together with friends, teach lessons to children. I hope to be in that kind of body again soon. But, for now, I choose this truth- this body, this broken one, this one whose neurotransmitters and hormones are completely out of whack- this is the one body that I have. And this is the body that I will use to glorify God. He bought this body in all its imperfection- at a price. His plan is to use this body to glorify His name. So I say, "Yes, God. Let's do it. Though my flesh and my heart (or mind, in my case) may fail... let me glorify you. You are the strength of my heart and my portion forever." I love God. I give thanks to Him for this broken body. I ask Him to heal it. I ask Him to take away my pain and my family's suffering. But even if He doesn't, I ask for the strength to continue to glorify Him. He is in control. He is Sovereign. I have made Him my refuge, and I will tell of all of His deeds.
https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/why-you-have-a-body
Meredith I’m sorry you’re having to go through this. I have experienced episodes like this before, usually these are called anxiety/panic attacks. When you experience an attack for whatever reason the symptoms can manifest themselves as physical and/or mental. Depending on the person you can have physical symptoms for only hours or maybe it lasts for several days. But mental symptoms can last longer such as days or even weeks, in some cases. As someone who has suffered from GAD, generalized anxiety disorder, for several years the best advice I can give you is to keep doing what you’re doing. Talk to your family or those closest to you when you feel something isn’t right. Also talk to your doctor and maybe even a psychiatrist to see if starting on some anti-anxiety meds could help you any. Here’s a little personal advice from me, look back at everything that happened around you before you experienced your past attacks. By doing this you may find some things are similar, these similarities are often called triggers. Trying to avoid these triggers in the future can help immenselyin reducing your chances of experiencing another anxiety/panic attack. Dealing with any kind of anxiety is difficult just know it will get better.
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