Our first apartment was way too clean. I come from a really clean family. The Cobles (my mother's family) are all clean super-freaks. I coined this phrase a few years ago that caught on in my family- "there's clean, and then there's Coble clean." You can walk into any of the Coble family homes and basically eat off of any surface, including the bathrooms. I'm only 1/4 Coble, but I got the clean gene for sure. I revel in organization and think the smell of Pine-Sol and Murphy Oil is better than perfume. Still, that first year... things were out of hand.
People deal with disappointment and dysfunction differently. Some people drink and numb their minds. Some people eat too much and burden their bodies. Some people join fitness groups and sculpt themselves into something they show off on social media every day. Some people go to the mall and try to purchase beauty. I vacuum.
Our first apartment was where dust came to die. I knew where every item we possessed was located. I vacuumed and dusted and scoured daily. Dysfunction makes me feel dirty. And there was so much dysfunction and disappointment in that first year, I couldn't handle it. Cleaning made me feel in control. There was so much that I could not control, that I could not stop or change or bring into order. Every expectation I had might be shattered, but, dang it- my clothes would be color-coordinated by season and hanging one finger-width from one another in our little walk-in closet.
I've asked a friend to help me debride some of the old wounds I'm trying to overcome. She works as a life coach and spiritual counselor, so she asks the tough questions- the ones most of us are too polite to ask of one another, even if we care deeply for one another. The other night she asked me one of the hardest questions I've ever been asked. What if it's all true? What then? What she meant was- what if the low opinions that other people have of me are true? What if I have been a troublemaker? What if I am responsible for making a mess of so many lives? What if it is my fault that people don't speak to one another anymore? What if- had I not come on scene- everything would have been better? Been okay? No love lost? What if that is true? What then?
I could hardly catch my breath. "Oh," I said. "I don't know...I think. I think that would be... unrecoverable."
It's been almost nine years. But I'm still cleaning. Trying to clean what's around me. All of the brokenness of my own heart. The brokenness of the relationships. I've tried to clean it. Tried everything. Dysfunction makes me feel so... very... dirty.
The Bible talks about cleanliness a TON. If you ever get into the weeds of the Old Testament, it's just on and on about cleanliness. The Cobles might be a little house-proud about our cleaning skills, but we have nothing on God's chosen people. Their lives were literally consumed by the pursuit of ceremonial cleanliness. The actions they took or did not take determined whether or not they were clean enough to be accepted by God in their acts of worship.
My BSF teacher in Austin would always say, "Our God is a God of order." When you study Biology for a while you realize that nothing is more true. The order found in the living world is astounding. Take genes, for instance. They're composed of four chemicals- just four- arranged in ultra-precise sequences. And sometimes, when one- just ONE, out of billions- of those chemicals gets out of order- boom! Genetic disorder.
So we have a God who is ridiculously orderly and kind of a clean freak in charge of the universe, time, our existence... and what do I have? Dysfunction. Chaos of mind and soul. The heart is deceitful and beyond cure. Who can understand it? Dysfunction doesn't just make me feel dirty. I am dirty. I came into the world this way. Sin-stained. No amount of animal sacrifice or Murphy oil can do anything about that.
But that's exactly the point of all those old laws. To show God's chosen people, and dirty people like me that would we never, ever get clean enough.
Jesus says in John 15:3- You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you.
It's true that in a world devoid of grace that my actions would leave me in a state that is truly unrecoverable. But I don't live there. I live in the presence of the Vine, attached to Him, His grace flowing into me each and every moment. What he says is the only judgment that really matters. And he says- I have already made you clean.
God is a God of order. A holy and perfect Being. But I am not. I am powerless in my own existence to create that kind of orderly, holy, perfect world. So, in my own efforts, I will always fail. I did fail. There was love that I withheld and there were words that I didn't. There was fear. There was pride. Sin breaks everything. Dirties everything. Mine is no different. My friend asked me- What if it were all true? When then?
For so long, I've tried to come against that thought. Clean myself. Defend myself. Create a life away from this idea that it could be my fault. Please, please, don't let it be my fault. What holy terror has come to me when I've entertained the thought that I could really be responsible for this amount of brokenness.
But what if it is? What then? I've proved to myself and everyone else time and time again that I cannot clean it. I cannot clean my own wounds or anyone else's. But, what I can do. What I am doing is listening to HIS voice. Not mine. Or anyone else's. He says, "You're already clean because of the word I have spoken to you." His words, his work, his life- makes me clean. These sins, this chaos, this exhaustion from trying to fix it. They aren't here. They are gone. Washed away by the blood of Jesus.
He went to great cost- the greatest anyone could ever go to- to make me clean. So I lay down my dust rag, my vacuum and my attempts at self-righteousness. And I embrace the reality that my broken heart is only truly understood by the One who broke himself to make me whole. Who dirtied himself to make me clean. The one who traded holiness for sinfulness out of his abundant love for me. I receive this gift with all of my grace-washed heart.
I have a new answer for my friend's question now- What if it's true? What then? The answer is in the words of this amazing song by Natalie Grant.
There's nothing too dirty that you can't make worthy.
You wash me in mercy.
I am clean.
Washed in the blood of your sacrifice.
Your blood flowed red and made me white.
My dirty rags are purified.
I am clean.
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